I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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