batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
