I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
