this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
