Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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