the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
my liver is dry heaving
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
