i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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