I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
