his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I supernannyed him into submission
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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