At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Everything about him screamed your future.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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