awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
