Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
