sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
