operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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