I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
