Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize