you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
