I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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