oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
