My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
