If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Randomize
