lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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