I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize