My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
