you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
i drank out of a bidet.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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