Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize