My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
