I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
