I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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