New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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