Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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