I should be sponsored by Trojan
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
