i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Come share oat with me in your robe
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
