Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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