fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize