Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
