I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
