What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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