Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Who died my cat blue again?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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