I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
