Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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