If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
