i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
