I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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