she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
