god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I would fuck him just for his dog
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize