Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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