oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize