i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
