fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
