How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize