She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
