I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize