i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
