No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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