life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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