This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
