everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
