Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
